mistakes in the making
neither my fault nor his

two souls wanting to find love

I will not play tug of war
with should and could…

I will not fall into the trap
of he loves me
he loves me not

that girl has long since passed

she knew not
the games they played

loathing her any longer
only cements crumbling walls

I am breaking through-
not broken

I will not fall for the lines
I once put all faith into

we are done.

Let’s leave it at that.

It doesn’t bother me…
                                          anymore.

though you used to be my only audience,
others have found comfort in my words

I reread them
reidentify feelings
I hate… 
                                death,
                          loss,
                                       bitterness,
         humiliation,
                                   suicide…

you can keep reading…

I know when you have been here

the words change
         when I am forced to imagine them 
                               through your eyes.

I think it’s time for the tears to come.

I eat
          sleep
                       laugh
                                      all feeling from my life

           sitting idle in a world incomplete
                                               refusing to let lonliness in
                   for fear it will lead to wants
                                                     my insecurities
                                                                        won’t let me meet

        I am too young
                         to throw in the towel
                  but I hate it
                                           this life

                    as much as I would say 
                                                 I would never
     for the ones who love me
                           I keep living this mediocre 
                                        dreamless life
                                                  wanting more than anything
                                                                        for it to end.

                                                                                   I am ready.

you are not beautiful
            to me anymore
    your bones no longer make mine
                             yearn to show
                                                         I see awkwardness
                                             not confidence
                                                               in your eyes
                                                                                and your body
                                                                looks incomplete
                                                                                      without his next to you

                               your words do not intimidate me
                                                  no longer inspiring
                                        able to push
                                             with bully like tendencies
                                                                     to face my fears
                                                          while you plot and scheme
                                         manipulating us like puppets
                                                             wrapped between your insecure fingers

envy is not a word
                   I would give to your love
   no matter how you see it
                            as better than ours
                                                                   his lies of the past
                                                                                  differ than what was
                                                           to ease your neurosis

              I was never the enemy
                                        or even an active piece
                        in the trouble between you
                                                    without my allowing
                             you can not bring me back
                                                            to a place I never wanted to return

you can have your life
                           with co-dependence
            laced in those awful shoes
                                      you wear ever time
                 you try to be someone
                                                            you are not.

I count seven heads
eyes closed
mouths gaping

one drowning in Parkinson’s
cruelty
saliva spewing over lower lip

the doctors say little
one only with his stare
tremors control his body
his eyes sing in sadness

—————————————————–

if a lesser heart beat beneath my chest
the observations my eyes declare
would surely take my sanity

——————————————

Doom

if there are no do-overs in life
               no immunity codes 
      to help me pass through walls as I run away
                              I want to exit game 
       now would be the time
                    I let myself drown in lava rivers
                                           tired of fighting
                                each chapter
                                            demons 
                                 more powerful than the last

                no matter–
                                         I always cheat
                                                          –I couldn’t make it otherwise.

—————————————

she paints her face
brush in hand
stroke after stroke
perfecting the mask she hides behind
pretending creativity flows in her

after all
isn’t being able to smile through anything
a form of art in itself?

——————————————–

I fell asleep last night
                 stories dreamt in lucidity
                           a way of slowly killing myself
         giving up on consequences
                                     to finally live

———————————————–

Ships of the Columbia 

Silently sleeping
          resting
                               amidst static ripples
               of the mighty mouth
                                          like waves across a television

————————————————

dressed in black
-pulled from her bedroom floor
the hate belonging to her great-grandmother
rests stubborn and strong

————————————————–

Blue eyes—
        an easy slope
               gliding into
                      too familiar skin
                            chameleonesque
                                     transformation
                                          beginning in her eyes
                                                as she falls
                                                       into jealousy
                                                                                —turned green

I left him.
                                          but not before he could leave me–
                three years ago
                                      and still
                           not one week ago today
                                             she was back in my life…

I can’t remember a time
                               so much anger filled my body
                 fingertip corks
                                                 removed
       leaving rage to flow
                       like wine
                               red red wine

nausea tears through me
                                                                      imagined in my mind
                                thoughts only people on edges of reality
                                                 dare to think

                            I was fine with never knowing her
                                                                and she found me
                                                oceans away
                                     again and again

          like a dog
                                 kept on an invisible leash
                         feeling the voltage
                                            knifing my side
                               if I dare get too far from where she needs me to be
                                                                                to feel safe
                                                                                                         with him.

I am not big enough
                       to hope he doesn’t hurt her
                                                                            again.

                                                                                                  She deserves it.

What does it really matter if I smile all the time?

I feel insecurity bubbling in the silence.

I know better than to swim in her waters– not enough reward for the risk.

She closed her eyes hoping they wouldn’t open come morning…

The last bottle falied to numb anything… Gnarly Dudes might pack a punch strong enough to do the damage I crave.

Turns out they are one and the same… Drowning is drowning.

She literally threw out the baby with the bath water.

What if average is all I will ever be?

She wondered if blood pooled around her heart as it did her ankle- she’d never seen such deep purple.

Why we see life as linear, I’ll never understand.

I need to hear it is ok to hate her.

So damned
determined
going through life alone in her eyes
with other’s love
drowning in her wake

blindly bruising hearts
passing through strangers
and over looking loved ones

keeping them in the dark
causing pain in her omissions
they try so hard to crack her shell
to inch their way in
seeping through broken skin
permeating her icy interior
behind glass eyes
and her distracting smile…

there is no hatred here
only hurt
my misconception of what was taking place
again in the dark
alone in my beliefs
wondering
but mostly knowing
that although I have been cut off
again
you still search me out…
it is unfair
yet just in your eyes
a blessing in disguise
that makes me so incredibly angry
don’t leave me a last note…
it takes away
from the sudden shut out
you two were looking for
as you walk together
not hating me
into your future.

Goodbye.

I was so naive to call you friend.