the girl in the mirror
keeping a man from my bed

not by choice of theirs
though any time spent
is the only time spent

full of fucked-upedness

if you want me naked
that’s all you get

no faux stories needed
to falsify craziness
insecurity
neurosis

the truth speaks volumes
it always has

“he certainly didn’t upgrade”

       I won’t hold my breath
                       but should he cross the path
   my beautiful days travel

                 I won’t laugh at his Buddy Holly glasses
          and promise to swoon
                           when he speaks

                                        all I want to say…

                                                                           “talk nerdy to me.”

nothing so cold
it can penetrate
the black ice
in these eyes

no match for optimism
and solitude

try me.

cornrowed baller man
               braless hippy chick

                      and two boys
           who must have been home-schooled
there pubes are still fuzz

dressed in black
speaking out of turn
a voice of half assurance
tripping over words

semi- educated
life years beyond…

“OMG you guys!

traded in heels for flats
in attempt to blend in

old lady outsider.

Your hurtful actions
may not solidify my waiting around
for you to stop seeing me 
through insecure eyes.

Project what you need on me
I won’t judge you for living. 

For ten years I have loved you. 

Made you my person above all other persons…

You made your point loud and clear.

Have tucked our friendship
into that ever familiar state of need to know.

There will be no pieces
for you to put back together. 
I am very good at going through life alone.

You can have all the space you need.

I am not holding my breath…

Take me out with the rest of the trash.
You’ve obviously found better.

this fight
this loss
this game refusing to be played
that leaves holes in our hearts
if not holes in our lives

there are others
filling gaps
spilling drinks
naming names
but today I am sad
to have lost you

though life has changed
those frizzy haired girls
camp counselors
with big smiles
to the women we no longer know

it maybe for the best
that our paths no longer cross
life is not incomplete
lonely
or lacking

but my eyes hurt today
and pride has fallen to dust
as I think of what life would be like

if it wasn’t by choice
that we are not friends

two souls wanting to find love

I will not play tug of war
with should and could…

I will not fall into the trap
of he loves me
he loves me not

that girl has long since passed

she knew not
the games they played

loathing her any longer
only cements crumbling walls

I am breaking through-
not broken

I will not fall for the lines
I once put all faith into

we are done.

Let’s leave it at that.

though you used to be my only audience,
others have found comfort in my words

I reread them
reidentify feelings
I hate… 
                                death,
                          loss,
                                       bitterness,
         humiliation,
                                   suicide…

you can keep reading…

I know when you have been here

the words change
         when I am forced to imagine them 
                               through your eyes.

I eat
          sleep
                       laugh
                                      all feeling from my life

           sitting idle in a world incomplete
                                               refusing to let lonliness in
                   for fear it will lead to wants
                                                     my insecurities
                                                                        won’t let me meet

        I am too young
                         to throw in the towel
                  but I hate it
                                           this life

                    as much as I would say 
                                                 I would never
     for the ones who love me
                           I keep living this mediocre 
                                        dreamless life
                                                  wanting more than anything
                                                                        for it to end.

                                                                                   I am ready.